GIFT  OF 

Mrs.   L.M.  Ehrman 


r 


ch's  International  Copyrighted   (in  England,  her  Colonies 
nited  States)   Edition  of  the  Works  of  the  Best  Authors 

'."  ^T^T^ 


No.  233 


The 
REVOLT 


A  PLAY  IN  ONE  ACT 


BY 
ELLIS  PARKER  BUTLER 


Author  of  "Pig's  is  Pigs,"  etc. 


Copyright,    1912,    by    Samuel    French 


TICE. — The  professional  acting  rights  of  this  play  are 
reserved  by  the  publisher,  and,  permission  for  such 
performances  must  be  obtained  before  performances 
are  given.  This  notice  does  not  apply  to  amateurs, 
who  may  perform  this  play  without  permission.  All 
unauthorized  professional  productions  will  be  pros- 
ecuted 10  thi'  full  extent  of  the  law. 

PRICE  30  CENTS 


NEW  YORK 
;  SAMUEL  FRENCH 
P:-30  WEST  38xH  STREET 

PUBLISHER 


LONDON 

SAMUEL    FRENCH.    LTD 

26     SOUTHAMPTON     STREET 

STRAND 


THE  REVOLT 


A  PLAY  IN  ONE  ACT 


BY 

ELLIS  PARKER  BUTLER 

Author  of  "Pigs  Is  Pigs/'  etc. 


Copyright,  1912,  BY  SAMUIL  FRENCH 


NOTICE.— The  professional  acting  right*  of  thi*  play  are  reserved  by 
the  pub  lit  her,  and  p«nni*sion  for  such  performance*  must  be  obtained 
before  performance*  are  given.  This  notice  does  not  apply  to  amateur*. 
'who  may  perform  the  play  •without  permission.  All  unauthorized 
professional  production*  will  be  prosecuted  to  the  full  extent  of  the  law. 


NEW  YORK 
SAMUEL  FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30  WEST  38TH  STREET 


LONDON 

SAMUEL  FRENCH,  LTD. 

26  SOUTHAMPTON  STRUT 

STRAND 


THE  REVOLT 

&  PLAY  IN  ONE  ACT 
By  Effls  Parker  Butler,  author  of  "Pigs  Is  Pigs'* 


CHAEACTEBS 

GRANDMA  GEEGG — Founder  of  the  Flushing  Acad- 
emy of  Household  Science  for  Young  Ladies. 

PAULINE — Working  out  her  tuition. 

SUSAN  JANE  JONES — An  Emissary  of  the  American 
Ladies'  Association  for  the  Promotion  of  Female 
Supremacy. 

KATE — A  student. 

GRACE — A  student. 

EDITH — A  student. 

IDA — A  student. 

MAY — A  student. 

Other  young  lady  students. 

THE  IDEAL  HUSBAND— by  himself. 

SCENE. — The  class  room  of  GRANDMA  GREGG'S 
.Academy  of  Household  Science  for  Young 
Ladies,  at  Flushing. 

TIME. — Now  or  soon. 


THE  REVOLT 

SCENE. — The  Class-room.  A  table.  Chairs  ar- 
ranged  in  semi-circle;  an  easy  chair  for  GRAND- 
MA GREGG.  Screen  in  one  corner.  Chairs  or 
couch  upon  which  to  lay  wraps  and  hats. 
Otherwise  an  ordinary  room.  Tea  things  on 
the  table. 

(PAULINE,  center  of  stage,  with  pail,  broom,  dusting 
rag,  scrubbing  brushes  and  mop,  is  discovered 
on  hands  and  Icnees  scrubbing.  As  curtain, 
rises  she  rises  to  her  knees,  throws  scrubbing 
^rush  and  soap  into  the  pail,  gets  up  with  dif- 
fic-clty  and  mops  the  floor.  She  is  singing.) 

PAULINE,  (singing)  "All  alone,  all  alone,  nobody 
here  but  me.  Ail  alone,  all  alone,  nobody  here  but  me, 
All  alone,  all — "  (z]ie  stops  mopping  and  leans  on  the 
mop  handle)  Here  it  is  now  two  weeks  I've  been 
workin'  out  my  tuition  in  this  Academy  of  House- 
hold Science  for  Young  Ladies,  and  'tis  nothin'  but 
scrub,  scrub,  mop,  mop,  sweep,  sweep,  from  mornin' 
'til  night!  I  see  plenty  of  work,  but  none  of  that 
tuition  has  come  my  way  yet.  "  Wanted,"  says  the 
a'vertisement,  "a  young  lady  to  work  out  her  tuition 
in  an  academy."  It  says  that,  "Grandma  Gregg's 
Flushing  Academy  of  Household  Science,"  it  says, 
"fits  the  young  ladies  for  to  occupy  properly  their 
positions  at  the  heads  of  their  homes/'  it  says,  "It 
will  be  a  fine  thing  for  you,  Pauline,"  I  says,  "to  be 
tuitioned  in  an  Academy,"  so  I  come,  (mops)  "We'll 
begin  your  lessons  right  away/'  says  Grandma  Gregg, 


825736 


THE  REVOLT 

"take  th'  scrub  brush  an'  a  pail  of  water  an'  some 
soap  air  scrub  th'  cellar."  Fve  been  scrubbin'  ever 
emce.  I  don't  care  much  for  the  higher  education 
when  there  is  so  much  scrub  in  it.  (mops) 

(GRANDMA  GREGG  enters.  PAULINE,  not  seeing  her, 
goes  to  table  and  examines  tea  things,  books', 
etc.) 

GRANDMA  GREGG.    Pauline! 

PAULINE,    (beginning  to  mop  hastily)    Yes'm! 

GRANDMA.     Don't  forget  your  curtsey,  Pauline. 

PAULINE,  (making  a  curtsey)  Good  morning 
Grandma  Gregg.  I  hope  I  see  you  well  to-day. 
(changing  her  tone)  If  it  ain't  askin'  too  much, 
mam,  when  does  my  tuitioning  begin?  I've  been 
scrubbin'  for  two  weeks  now,  from  mornin'  V 
night—" 

GRANDMA.  Have  you  scrubbed  the  cellar  J7aul" 
ine? 

PAULINE.    Yes'm. 

GRANDMA.    Don't  forget  your  cixtsey,  Pauline. 

PAULINE,  (curtseying)  NO'IP-  (curtsey)  Yes'm. 
(curtsey) 

GRANDMA.    You  have  scrubbed  the  cellar? 

PAULINE    (curtseying)    Yes'm. 

GRANDMA.  And  the  garret?  And  the  first  floor? 
And  the  second  floor? 

PAULINE,    (curtseying)    Yes'm. 

GRANDMA.  Very  good,  very  good,  Pauline.  Then, 
when  you  have  finished  scrubbing  this  class  room, 
you  may  scrub  the  front  porch  and  the  stable.  Then 
it  will  be  time  to  scrub  the  cellar  again.  You  are 
doing  very  nicely. 

PAULINE.  Yes'm,  thank  you,  mam.  (curtsey) 
But  I  was  thinking  mam,  maybe  I  could  have  a 
little  more  tuition,  and  a  little  less  work.  "Work 


THE  REVOLT  5 

and  tuition"  was  what  the  advertisement  said,  mam, 
an3  I've  seen  nothin'  but  the  work  yet. 

GRANDMA.  My  dear  child !  My  dear,  sweet  child ! 
I  don't  understand  you.  You  have  done  no  work 
yet. 

PAULINE,  (looking  at  her  dress  and  at  pail  and 
mop)  I've  done  no  work?  I  wonder,  now,  what  I 
have  been  doin' ! 

GRANDMA,  (placidly)  You  have  been  receiving 
your  tuition.  In  this  academy  the  study  of  House- 
hold Science  begins  with  the  rudiments.  Scrubbing 
is  one  of  the  rudiments.  As  a  new  scholar  you  begin 
with  the  rudiments,  of  course.  And  I  must  say  you 
are  doing  very  well.  You  are  making  excellent  pro- 
gress. Apply  yourself  earnestly  to  your  lessons  and 
in  a  short  time  you  will  be  promoted  to  another 
class.  (PAULINE  stands  with  her  mouth  open  as 
GRANDMA  talks.  She  seems  to  be  stunned)  Let  me 
see  you  scrub,  Pauline. 

PAULINE,  (dropping  on  her  Icnees  and  talcing 
"brush  from  pail)  Yes'm. 

GRANDMA.    Don't  forget  your  curtsey,  Pauline. 

PAULINE,  (curtseying  on  her  Icnees)  No'm 
(curtsey.  She  scrubs) 

GRANDMA.  Very  good  indeed !  Very  good  indeed ! 
You  are  progressing,  Pauline !  You  are  progressing. 
Apply  yourself  faithfully  to  your  lessons.  You  may 
study  awhile  on  the  front  porch  now.  And  don't  be 
afraid  to  use  your  muscle. 

PAULINE,  (gathers  up  her  pail  and  mopf  etc.  At 
door  she  turns)  Good  morning,  Grandma  Gregg. 
(curtseys)  (aside)  Eudiment,  is  it?  If  I  haven't 
done  any  work  yet,  I  wonder  now  what  the  work  will 
be  like. 

GRANDMA,  (has  dropped  into  her  chair  and  taken 
up  her  knitting)  Pauline. 

PAULINE.    Yes'm. 


6  THE  REVOLT 

GRANDMA.    Did  you  curtsey,  Pauline? 

PAULINE.  No'm.  (curtseys)  But  I  will,  (curt- 
seys) 

GRANDMA.  Pauline,  have  the  new  Professors  come 
yet?  I  have  hired  two  new  Professors.  A  Professor 
of  Husbandology,  and  a  Professor  of  Eudiments. 
They  are  very  highly  recommended. 

PAULINE.  Beg  pardon  mam,  but  what's  Husband- 
ology? 

GRANDMA.  Husbandology  is  the  Science  of  the 
Proper  Treatment  of  Husbands. 

PAULINE.  And  I  know  what  Eudiments  is.  It's 
scrubbin'.  No,  mam,  nothin'  like  them  has  come 
yet.  "All  alone.  All  alone — "  (sings)  (exit  PAUL- 
INE) 

GRANDMA,  (knits)  Dear  me!  Dear  me!  I  thought 
when  I  started  this  Academy  the  girls  would  flock  to 
it  most  eagerly.  When  I  was  a  young  girl  my 
mother  would  have  been  glad  to  have  an  academy 
like  this  for  me  to  attend.  I  don't  know  what  the 
world  is  coming  to.  Suffragists  and  Suffragettes, 
and  Suffrage-tins  and  Suffrage-that !  If  this  acad- 
emy wasn't  sustained  by  the  Anti-suffrage  League 
it  would  have  to  close  its  doors,  (sees  a  book  on  table, 
takes  it  in  hand)  "Woman  and  Her  Eights."  (with 
disgust)  Augh!  Who  brought  that  here?  (throws  it 
on  floor)*!  declare,  I  believe  this  is  the  last  strong- 
hold of  the  old-fashioned  home-loving  woman.  I 
teach  the  girls  to  be  good  wives,  (door  bell  rings) 
(enter  PAULINE) 

PAULINE,  (curtseys)  If  you  please,  mam,  there's 
a  female  at  the  door  says  she  is  the  new  Professor 
of  Husbandology.  It's  Susan  Jane  Jones,  mam. 

GRANDMA.    Show  her  in,  Pauline. 

PAULINE.    Yes'm. 

GRANDMA.    Don't  forget  your  curtsey,  Pauline. 

PAULINE.    No'm.    (curtseys)  (exit  PAULINE) 


THE  REVOLT  7 

GRANDMA.  I  hope  Susan  Jane  Jones  will  be  a 
real  nice  lady.  There's  nothing  in  the  world  more 
necessary  than  lessons  on  the  Proper  Treatment  of 
Husbands.  Women  don't  seem  to  know  how  to  treat 
husbands  now-a-days.  They  neglect  'em,  the  poor 
things.  When  I  was  a  girl —  (enter  SUSAN  JANE 
JONES.) 

SUSAN,  (strides  into  room  with  umbrella  held  by 
middle  and  hand  bag  under  one  arm.  Slaps  them  on, 
table,  and  begins  pulling  off  her  gloves) .  Well,  here 
I  am — 

GRANDMA,  (mildly)  Don't  forget  your  curtsey,, 
Miss  Jones. 

SUSAN,    (surprised)    Hey?    WThat's  that? 

GRANDMA,  (gently)  All  the  faculty  and  students 
curtsey  when  they  come  into  my  presence,  Miss 
Jones.  It  is  a  sweet  old-fashioned  'custom — 

SUSAN.  (brisJcly)  Well,  I'll  soon  change  that — 
I  mean,  Howdy!  Howdy!  (bobs  several  times) 
(aside)  I  must  not  forget  I  am  here  as  a  spy  in  the 
enemy's  country.  If  you  are  going  to  do  the  Eomans 
you  must  do  as  the  Eomans  do.  (to  GRANDMA) 
Swell  joint  you've  got  here,  old  lady. 

GRANDMA,  (rubbing  knees)  Swell  joints?  Yes,. 
my  dear,  a  little  rheumatiz  makes  the  joints  swell. 
But  I  don't  complain.  I'm  an  old  lady*  I  have  to 
expect  some  aches  and  pains  at  my  time  of  life. 
I'm  thankful  I  can  do  a  little  good  work  in  the 
world.  Do  you  understand  what  your  duties  will 
be? 

SUSAN.  Sure  Mike !  I'm  the  Husbandology  lady. 
I  teach  the  girls  how  to  treat  their  husbands  when 
they  get  'em. 

GRANDMA.  Just  so.  You  will  lecture  on  How  to 
Coddle  and  Pet  a  Husband.  Five  lectures.  Then 
you  will  give  five  lectures  on  Smoothing  the  Lines  of 


8  THE  REVOLT 

Care  from   Hubby's  Brow.      Then — of  course  yoti 

show  by  example  how  all  this  is  done. 

SUSAN.  By  example?  You  don't  have  a  man 
here,  do  you? 

GRANDMA.  We  use  the  practical  method  in  our 
classes.  "Practice  makes  perfect/'  you  know,  (calls) 
Pauline ! 

PAULINE,    (off  stage)    Yes'm,  I'm  comin'. 

GRANDMA,  (calling)  Bring  me  the  Ideal  Hus- 
band, Pauline. 

PAULINE.    Yes'm.     In  a  minute,  mam. 

v  (Enter  PAULINE  with  the  Dummy  Husband  under 
her  arm.     She  throws  it  into  a  chair.    Exit.) 

GRANDMA.  There!  That  is  our  Ideal  Husband. 
He  is  all  a  husband  should  be.  He  does  not  drink 
nor  smoke.  He  does  not  go  to  the  club  at  night. 
He  never  says  an  unkind  word.  And  he  is  happy. 
Do  you  know  why? 

SUSAN.  Go  ahead.  I'll  be  the  goat.  What's  the 
answer  ? 

GRANDMA.  He  is  happy  because  we  are  kind  to 
him.  Because  we  coddle  and  pet  him.  I  think,  be- 
fore I  finally  engage  you,  Miss  Jones;  I  would  like 
to  see  an  example  of  your  method  of  coddling  and 
petting. 

(  SUSAN  looks  at  the  dumml/  thoughtfully,  takes  a 
step  toward  it  and  pauses,  another  step,  and 
so  on.  Finally  she  jerks  the  dummy  from  the 
chair  by  the  head  and  lays  the  head  on  her 
shoulder.) 

SUSAN.  Poor  hubby,  does  his  poor  head  ache? 
(pats  dummy)  Was  he  out  so  late  last  night?  (puts 
dummy  gently  in  chair)  Let  little  wifey  rub  his 
poor  head,  (does  so)  What  did  hubby  say?  All  right, 
little  wifey  will  tie  a  nice  cold  cloth  around  poor 


THE  REVOLT  9 

hubby's  head,  (does  this)  Now,  kiss  little  wifey. 
(kisses  dummy)  What  did  hubby  say? 

GRANDMA.     What  did  he  say? 

SUSAN.  He  said  "For  goodness  sake  get  away 
from  here  and  leave  me  alone.  Can't  you  see  I'm 
a  sick  man?  Get  out  of  here  and  stop  bothering 
me." 

GRANDMA,  (admiringly)  How  like  a  real  man! 
And  what  do  you  do  next? 

SUSAN,  (looking  around)  I  get  a  pillow,  (gets 
one  from  couch  and  puts  it  back  of  dummy)  And  I 
wrap  up  his  feet,  (does  it)  There,  poor  dear.  He's 
sleeping  now. 

GRANDMA.  Very  good.  You  will  do  very  well. 
Eemember  to  teach  that  wives  should  obey  their 
husbands  and  be  kind  to  them.  Husbands  are  such 
tender  creatures.  We  should  love  them  and  obey 
them.  I  will  see  that  your  room  is  in  order.  No 
doubt  you  will  wish  to  practise  coddling  the  Ideal 
Husband  a  little  longer  before  your  classes  begin. 
(exit  GRANDMA) 

SUSAN,  (alone)  Get  off  that  chair,  you  big  brute! 
(jerks  dummy  off  chair)  Come  home  intoxicated, 
will  you?  (throws  dummy  back  on  chair)  Don't  talk 
back  to  me!  (takes  up  dummy  again)  You  are  go- 
ing out,  are  you?  Well,  go  out!  (walks  toward 
screen,  with  dummy)  Out  you  go!  I'll  stand  no 
nonsense,  I  tell  you!  (throws  dummy  behind  screen) 
Go,  if  you  want  to  !  There !  Coddle  and  pet  them ! 
That's  how  I  coddle  and  pet  them!  (looks  around) 
This  is  a  nice  situation  for  Susan  Jane  Jones,  Cap- 
tain of  Company  A,  First  Eegiment,  Militant  Suf- 
fragettes!  But  all  is  fair  in  Love  and  Votes  for 
Women !  This  academy  is  the  last  stronghold  of  the 
old-fashioned  woman,  and  from  in  it  the  tender 
young  girls  learn  the  vicious  habits  of  keeping  house, 
being  good  housewives  and  attending  to  their  own, 


10  THE  REVOLT 

affairs  as  their  grandmothers  did.  From  this  root 
anti-suffragism  might  spread  over  the  whole  world, 
and  I  have  crept  in,  like  a  spy,  to  corrupt  and  des- 
troy it.  Woman  must  and  will  rule!  (enter  KATE 
pouting) 

KATE,  (not  seeing  SUSAN)  I  don't  care!  I  don't 
care  one  bit!  I'm  never,  never  going  to  speak  to 
John  Mason  again  as  long  as  I  live.  I  think  he  is 
just  too  horrid  for  anything,  (takes  off  coat  and 
hat  antd  throws  them  on  sofa)  I  just  hate  him.  I 
hate  every  boy  that  ever  lived,  I  do !  I  think  they 
are  mean,  overbearing,  egotistical  things,  (wipes  her 
eyes) 

SUSAN,  (clapping  her  hands  once)  My  senti- 
ments exactly !  I  so  consider  all  men. 

KATE,  (startled)  Oh !  I  did  not  know  anyone 
was  here.  Good  morning!  (curtseys)  Please,  you 
won't  tell  Grandma  Gregg  what\  I  said,  will  you? 
(with  head  on  one  side)  She  wouldn't  like  it.  (pick- 
ing at  her  fingers)  She  says  females  should  admire 
and  worship  all  males.  « 

SUSAN.  Humph!  Fiddlesticks!  Absolutely  explod- 
ed theory.  Latest  theory  is,  females  should  abhor 
and  despise  all  males.  What's  a  man  ?  He's  a  worm. 
A  poor  silly  worm.  Now,  here!  (takes  KATE  ly 
arm  and  leads  her  across  stage)  We  understand  each 
other.  You  have  felt  the  cruel  oppression  of  a  man ! 

KATE.  I — I — I  just  think  John  Mason  treated 
me  real  mean,  anyway. 

SUSAN.  Woman,  how  else  do  men  ever  treat  us? 
We  are  slaves.  But  we  must  be  free.  You  think  I 
am  the  new  Professor  of  Husbandology,  don't  you? 
You  think  I  am  here  to  teach  you  how  to  treat 
husbands,  don't  you?" 

KATE.     I  did  think  so. 

SUSAN,  (threateningly)  Oh,  I'll  teach  you  how 
to  treat  husbands!  (PAULINE  enters  and  overhears,. 


THE  REVOLT  11 

unseen.  She  gradually  comes  closer  to  them.)  I'll 
teach  you  how  to  treat  all  men.  For  ages  man  has 
crushed  us  under  his  cruel  heel. 

KATE.     Has  he? 

SUSAN.    But  we  will  trample  him  under  foot. 

KATE.    Will  we? 

SUSAN.  We  must  throttle  him.  We  must  crush 
him. 

KATE.    Must  we  ? 

SUSAN.  Pooh !  He's  a  worm.  We  will  do  with- 
out him.  We  will  drive  him  from  the  land.  Ab-so- 
lutely.  Man  is  a  by-gone  institution.  I  class  him 
with  the  stage  coach  and  the  dodo  bird.  Woman  can 
do  his  work  better  than  he  can.  He  must  be  driven 
from  the  land. 

PAULINE.  But,  now,  mam,  if  he's  driven  from  the 
land,  he'll  be  taking  a  death  of  cold  in  the  water. 

SUSAN.  So  much  the  better.  The  object  that 
should  burn  in  every  true  woman's  heart  is  the  utter 
extermination  of  man.  (to  KATE)  You  have  felt 
a  man's  cruelty.  (KATE  wipes  her  eyes) 

KATE.     I  don't  see  why  boys  have  to  be  so  mean. 

SUSAN.  And  you,  too,  you  poor  creature.  Have 
you  not  felt  the  heel  of  the  oppressor? 

PAULINE.  Heel  of  the  oppressor  ?  Mercy  sakes ! 
That  reminds  me.  Grandma  Gregg  sent  me  for  to 
get  the  Ideal  Husband  and  take  him  down  cellar 
and  black  his  shoes  for  him. 

SUSAN,  (triumphantly)  You  see!  Man  makes 
slaves  of '  us  all ! 

PAULINE.  Has  any  of  you  seen  the  Ideal  Hus- 
band? Grandma  Gregg  said  he  was  in  the  Class- 
room conversin'  with  the  new  Professor. 

SUSAN,  (carelessly)  Oh,  he's  gone  to  his  club. 
I  mean,,  look  behind  the  screen. 

(PAULINE  gets  the  dummy,  and  carries  it  out,  its 


12  THE  REVOLT 

feet   dragging   behind  her  on   the  floor.     Exit 
PAULINE.) 

SUSAN.  My  child,  the  time  for  the  great  revolu- 
tion is  at  hand.  Woman  Is  about  to  take  her  right- 
fully supreme  place  in  the  world.  In  me  you  see 
one  of  the  leaders  of  the  Militant  Suffragettes.  Can 
I  count  on  you? 

KATE.  I  don't  know.  I  think  John  Mason  treated 
me  just  too  mean —  Oh  !  here  comes  Grandma  Gregg. 

SUSAN.  Hush.  Not  a  word  of  this !  (in  a  changed 
tone).  Yes,  my  dear,  when  his  head  aches  take  a 
handful  of  chopped  ice,  and  fold  it  in  a  bandage — 

(Enter  GRANDMA  GREGG.) 

KATE,    (curtseys)   Good  morning,  Grandma  Gregg. 

GRANDMA.  Good  morning,  my  dear.  (GRANDMA 
seats  herself  and  begins  knitting.  KATE  takes  sewing 
from  bag  and  sews.  SUSAN  picks  up  book  from  floor 
and  begins  to  read.) 

(Enter  GRACE.) 

GRACE,  (curtseys)  Good  morning.  Grandma  Gregg. 

GRANDMA.     Good  morning,  my  dear. 
(GRACE  seats  herself  and  sews.     Enter  EDITH  and 
IDA.) 

EDITH  and  IDA.  (curtsey)  Good  morning,  Grand- 
ma Gregg. 

GRANDMA.    Good  morning,  my  dears. 

(Enter  MAY  and  other  girls.) 

MAY  and  OTHER  GIRLS,  (curtsey)  Good  morning, 
Grandma  Gregg. 

GRANDMA.  Good  morning,  my  dears.  And  now  we 
are  all  here,  have  you  all  done  your  home  work?  Let 
me  see  it.  (the  girls  advance,  by  ones  or  twos  and 
show  their  sewing) 


THE  REVOLT  13 

GRANDMA.  Very  good —  The  stitches  are  a  little 
too  large,  sweetheart —  This  buttonhole  might  be  a 
little  neater,  precious,  etc.  (girls  take  seats  again,  and 
sew) 

GRANDMA.  Grace,  will  you  act  as  monitor  of  the 
teapot  ? 

GRACE.  Yes,  Grandma  Gregg,  (curtseys,  and  makes 
tea) 

GRANDMA.  Now,  young  ladies,  will  you  repeat  the 
Golden  Text  for  the  day? 

ALL.  "The  way  to  a  man's  heart  is  through  his 
stomach." 

SUSAN,  (scornfully  and  aside)  Yes,  feed  the  beast 
and  he'll  grin. 

GRANDMA.    Kate,  do  you  know  your  precept? 
KATE,    (curtseys) 

A  husband  is  a  precious  thing, 
He  is  the  woman's  lord  and  king. 
SUSAN,     (aside)     He  was,  but  now  he's  no  such 
thing. 

GRANDMA.    Grace  ? 
GRACE,    (with  a  curtsey) 

A  wife  should  never  hem  and  haw, 
Her  husband's  word  should  be  her  law. 
SUSAN,      (aside)      Does  any  woman  think  that?" 
Pshaw ! 

GRANDMA.    Next. 
EDITH,    (curtseys) 

Woman  within  her  home  should  stay 
Her  duties  there  should  be  her  play. 
SUSAN,    (aside)    That  sentiment  don't  go  to-day* 
GRANDMA.    Next. 
IDA.    (curtseys) 

The  man  is  noble,  strong  and  brave; 
Woman  should  be  his  loving  slave. 
SUSAN.    That  notion's  in  its  little  grave ! 
GRANDMA.     Very  good,  my  darlings,    (she  rises) 


14  THE  REVOLT 

Edith,  yesterday  you  could  not  tell  me  all  the  ingre- 
dients of  bread.  Do  you  know  now  what  you 
omitted  ? 

EDITH.  Yes,  Grandma  Gregg.  Add  a  cup  of 
butter. 

GRANDMA.  Correct.  Ida,  if  you  had  a  husband 
and  he  came  home  very  late,  what  would  you  do  ? 

IDA.  (curtseys)  I  would  pretend  to  be  fast,  fast 
asleep. 

GRANDMA.  Yes.  And  what  would  you  say  the 
next  morning? 

IDA.  "Good  morning,  dear.  I  was  asleep  when 
you  came  in.  I  hope  you  had  a  pleasant  evening." 

(GRACE  passes  tea.    Door  bell  rings.) 

GRANDMA.    Now,  Miss — 

SUSAN.     Susan  Jane  Jones. 

GRANDMA.  Don't  forget  your  curtsey,  Miss  Jones. 
( SUSAN  curtseys)  You  may  take  the  class  now,  Miss 
Jones,  and  give  it  instruction  in  the  proper  treatment 
of  husbands.  Inculcate  ideas  of  meekness  and  gentle- 
ness. 

SUSAN.  Oh,  HI  inculcate.  Have  no  fear  of  that. 
(Enter  PAULINE.  She  has  a  telegram  which  she 
hands  to  GRANDMA.  Also  has  the  dummy,  which 
she  throws  on  the  floor  carelessly.) 

PAULINE.    Here's  your  husband. 

GRANDMA.  My  dear  child,  you  should  not  handle 
a  husband  in  that  manner. 

PAULINE.  I'll  not  be  handling  that  husband  in 
any  manner  very  long,  mam.  I'm  going  to  quit  my 
job.  Nothing  but  scrub,  scrub,  mop,  mop,  from  morn- 
ing to  night.  Look  at  them  young  ladies,  a  drinkin' 
tea  and  me  doin'  the  scrub  work.  I'm  tired  of  being 
scholar,  I  am. 

GRANDMA,  (after  reading  telegram)  You  are  tired 
of  being  a  scholar,  are  you,  Pauline? 


THE  REVOLT  15 

PAULINE.  Yes'm.  I'm  sick  of  it.  I've  learned 
ihis  scrubbin'  lesson  from  the  cellar  up. 

GRANDMA.  So  you  have,  dear,  so  you  have !  You 
do  it  very  well.  And  I  am  going  to  reward  you. 

PAULINE,    (happily)  Eeward  me,  mam? 

GRANDMA.  Yes.  I  have  just  received  word  my 
newly  engaged  Professor  of  Eudimentary  Household 
Science  cannot  come.  How  would  you  like  to  be  a 
professor,  Pauline? 

PAULINE.  Oh,  me  a  professor,  mam !  Me,  who  has 
nothing  but  rags  to  my  name,  a  professor  ? 

GRANDMA.  Yes,  Pauline.  I  have  made  up  my 
mind.  I  am  going  to  make  you  my  Professor  of  Rud- 
iments. Young  ladies,  this  is  our  new  Professor  of 
Rudiments,  (all  curtsey) 

PAULINE,  (wiping  her  eyes)  I  feel  like  I  ought 
to  make  a  speech,  mam,  but  I  can't,  I'm  that  over- 
come. I  don't  feel  like  I  could  do  justice  to  the 
job,  mam. 

GRANDMA.  Oh,  yes  you  can,  my  dear.  Now,  your 
duties  as  Professor  of  Rudiments  will  consist  in  teach- 
ing the  young  ladies  scrubbing — 

PAULINE.    Scrubbin'  ? 

GRANDMA.  Yes,  scrubbing,  and  mopping,  and 
blacking  stoves. 

PAULINE.  Scrubbin'  an'  moppin'  an'  blackin' 
stoves  ? 

GRANDMA.  Just  so.  And  you  will  teach  by  exam- 
ple. The  young  ladies  will  study  your  methods.  You 
will  scrub  and  mop  and  black  stoves,  and  they  will 
watch  you. 

PAULINE.  I'll  scrub  and  mop  and —  It's  mighty 
like  the  job  of  bein'  scholar,  ain't  it,  mam  ?  What  pay 
do  I  get,  mam,  for  all  this  scrub  and  mop  ? 

GRANDMA.  Pay?  I  am  surprised  you  should  ask 
for  pay  when  I  have  given  you  such  a  position  of 


16  THE  REVOLT 

trust  and  honor.  But  there.  If  yon  mnst  have  pay, 
you  shall  have  it.  I  will  give  yon  the  work  you  owe 
me  for  the  tuition  you  have  received. 

PAULINE,  (puzzled)  Yes'm.  Thank  you,  mam. 
Now,  now,  do  you  do  that  work  I  owe  you,  or  do 
I  do  it? 

GRANDMA.  What  a  question !  You  do  it,  of  course. 
You  owe  it  to  me,  child,  don't  you?  (PAULINE 
stands  puzzled)  Now,  young  ladies,  I  will  leave  you 
to  your  two  new  Professors,  (exit  GRANDMA) 

(PAULINE,  when  she  is  gone,  stands  puzzled.  Turn- 
ing her  head  she  sees  dummy.  She  grasps  it, 
raises  it  above  her  head,  and  throws  it  down 
angrily) 

PAULINE.  Get  to  work,  you  husband,  get  to  work ! 
(she  goes  to  tea  table  and  eats  and  drinks  during  the 
•following  scene) 

SUSAN.  Fellow  females!  (the  girls  ignore  her. 
They  chatter  loudly  with  one  another.  Finally 
KATE'S  voice  is  heard) 

KATE.  Well,  I'll  never  speak  to  John  again  as 
long  as  I  live. 

GRACE.  Well,  he  can't  be  a  bit  worse  than  Ar- 
thur. Oh,  I'm  so  mad  at  Arthur.  I  was  so  mad  I 
could  have  slapped  him. 

EDITH.    What  did  he  do,  Grace  ? 

GRACE.  I  met  him  on  Main  Street,  quite  by 
chance,  you  know,  and  he  said,  "Hello,  Grace,  you 
don't  want  an  ice  cream  soda,  do  you?"  And  I  said, 
"Oh,  I  don't  care."  And  he  said,  "Oh,  well,  if  you 
don't  care !" 

IDA.  The  horrid  thing.  I  think  boys  are  just  too 
horrid  for  anything.  I  oo-ooed  at  George  to-day, 
and  he  didn't  oo-oo  back  at  me  at  all.  I'm  through 
with  George ! 

EDITH.    Imagine !   When  T  oo-oo  at  a  bov  and  he 


THE  REVOLT  17 

doesn't  oo-oo  back  I  consider  it  a  deadly  insult.  I 
suppose  he  was  talking  to  some  other  girl. 

IDA.  No,  he  wasn't!  He  was  riding  his  motor 
cycle,  and  he  was  only  two  blocks  away — 

EDITH.     Perhaps  he  didn't  hear  you. 

IDA.  That's  no  excuse  at  all.  When  a  girl  oo-oos 
it  is  a  boy's  duty  to  hear.  I  always  hear  when  George 
oo-oos. 

MAY.  Certainly !  Any  gentleman  would  oo-oo 
back  at  a  girl  if  she  oo-ooed  at  him. 

KATE.  I  suppose  you  mean  Henry  would  oo-oo 
back  at  you.  You  and  Henry ! 

MAY.  '  Thank  you,  but  I  don't  speak  to  Henry  any 
more.  Fve  sent  him  about  his  business !  I  was  going 
over  to  the  tennis  court  yesterday,  and  I  oo-ooed  at 
him,  and  he  said,  "Where  are  you  going,  May?"  and 
I  said,  "I'm  going  to  play  tennis,  if  I  can  find  a 
partner."  And  what  do  you  think  he  said? 

GKACE.    What  did  he  say? 

MAY.  He  said,  "Well,  I'm  sorry  I  can't  go  with 
you !" 

ALL.     Oh,  how  horrid ! 

EDITH.  Well,  I've  had  all  of  Sam  I  want!  When 
I  got  home  from  school  yesterday  I  sat  on  the  front 
porch  all  afternoon.  Of  course  I  expected  Sam  would 
happen  to  pass  by. 

KATE.  Of  course.  Any  gentleman  would  happen 
to  pass  by. 

EDITH.  Certainly.  And  there  I  sat.  And  sat. 
And  sat.  And  no  Sam  came  by.  Oh,  I  was  mad. 
And  what  do  you  think  his  excuse  was  ?  His  mother 
had  fallen  down  the  cellar  stairs  and  broken  her 
arm. 

KATE.  And  he  let  that  keep  him  home!  Girls, 
I  think  the  way  the  boys  treat  us  is  perfectly  out- 
Tageous !  There  are  whole  minutes  in  every  day 
when  they  don't  think  of  us  at  all. 


18  THE  REVOLT 

GRACE.     Oh,  not  whole  minutes. 

KATE.  Well,  parts  of  minutes,  anyway.  I  under- 
stand that  several  times  this  term  several  of  the  boys 
almost  knew  their  lessons.  That  couldn't  happen  if 
they  thought  of  us  all  the  time. 

ALL.     The  horrid  things  ! 

KATE.  Well,  for  my  part,  I'm  through  with  boys ! 
I  wish  they  were  all — all  extinct. 

SUSAN,  (rapping  on  table  with  her  umbrella) 
Ladies!  Fellow  females!  I  have  heard  what  you 
said.  Your  wrongs  are  enormous,  but  what  does 
man  live  for  but  to  oppress  us?  We  are  down-trod, 
down-trod  by  man,  that  worm  that  like  a  roaring 
lion  seeks  to  cast  dust  in  our  eyes  with  his  soaring 
wings  while  he  rends  our  heart  with  his  cruel  beak! 
Shall  we,  ladies,  be  slaves  to  a  worm? 

PAULINE.     Xo,  mam.     (curtseys) 

SUSAN.  No!  You  wish  the  men  were  extinct. 
We  will  extinguish  them.  Why  waste  your  lives 
here  doing  plain  and  fancy  sewing — 

PAULINE.     And  scrubbin'— 

SUSAN.  When  woman  was  meant  to  occupy  the 
noblest  spheres  ?  Wives  ?  Faugh !  Housewives  ? 
Faugh!  Let  us  take  the  work  of  the  men,  and  do 
it !  Follow  the  bright  banner  of  Susan  Jane  Jones, 
the  Militant  Suffragette,  and  drive  the  men  into 
the  sea!  I  have  heard  the  story  of  your  wrongs — 

KATE.  Well,  I  do  think  Henry  was  just  too  mean 
for  anything. 

SUSAN.  Sewing!  Scrubbing!  Have  you  women 
never  wished  to  do  the  work  of  men? 

KATE.  Yes,  I  have.  I  always  wanted  to  be  a 
doctor,  but  my  father  wouldn't  hear  of  it. 

GRACE.     What  kind  of  a  doctor,  Kate? 

KATE.  Oh,  a  handsome  doctor  with  curly  gray 
hair.  And  you,  Grace? 


THE  REVOLT  19 

GRACB.  Oh,  I  want  to  be  a  lawyer,  a  plump,  jolly 
lawyer.  And  you,  Edith? 

EDITH.     I  want  to  be  an  editor. 

GRACE.    Eepublican  or  Democrat? 

EDITH.  I  don't  know.  The  kind  with  a  big  auto- 
mobile. And  you,  Ida? 

IDA.    I  want  to  be  a  politician. 

MAY.     An  honest  one,  of  course. 

IDA.  Well,  no.  A  successful  politician.  And 
you,  May? 

MAY.  I  want  to  run  a  vegetable  market,  where 
the  women  can  come  with  their  market  baskets. 

'SusAN.  Where  the  men  can  come  with  their  mar- 
ket baskets,  (to  PAULINE)  And  you,  you  poor  crea- 
ture, have  you  never  felt  the  longing  to  usurp  man's 
sphere?  Have  you  never  longed  to  do  a  man's 
work? 

PAULINE.  Oh,  yes,  mam.  This  humble  heart 
(tapping  her  waist)  has  felt  the  what-you-call  it 
many  a  time.  I  have  always  wished,  mam,  to  be  a 
pirate. 

ALL.     A  pirate ! 

PAULINE.  A  pirate.  And  why  not?  That's 
men's  work.  Listen: — 

Since  my  mother's  lap  I  played  in 
When  I  was  a  wee  small  maiden — 

SUSAN.     Just  so  high! 

ALL.    Just  so  high ! 

PAULINE. 

I  have  had  a  great  ambition 
For  to  better  my  condition — 

SUSAN.     So  have  I. 

ALL.     So  have  I. 

PAULINE. 

Dolls  was  things  I  much  detested 
Toys  left  me  uninterested. 
Even  as  a  little  baby 

i 


20  THE  REVOLT 

I  had  hopes  that  sometime,  maybi 
I  could  be  a  roaring  pirate, 
Be  a  swearing,  tearing  pirate, 
Be  a  shocking,  wicked  pirate, 
With  a  cruel,  cruel  eye. 

SUSAN.     I   call   that  a   very  noble  and  uplifting 
ambition  for  a  modern  young  lady. 
PAULINE. 

Listen : — I  have  dreamed  of  death  and  slaughter 

On  the  wild   tumultuous  water 
SUSAN.     Oh,  how  dear  ! 
ALL.     Oh,  how  dear ! 
PAULINE. 

I  have  lonsred  to  wear  a  dagger 
And  cut  throats,  and  swear,  and  swagger. 
SUSAN.     Hear  !    Hear  ! 
ALL.     Hear!    Hear! 
PAULINE. 

All  around  me,  dead  and  dying, 
I  would  see  my  victims  lying; 
And  I'd  laugh  out  loud  and  louder 
As  I  smelled  the  blood  and  powder, 
,  For  Fd  be  a  roaring  pirate, 
Be  a  swearing,  tearing  pirate, 
Bloody-bones,  the  heartless  pirate, 
With  a  cruel,  cruel  eye. 

SUSAN.  I  consider  Bloody-bones  a  very  sweet 
name  for  a  young  lady  pirate.  Very ! 

PAULINE.  Yes,  mam.  (curtseys)  So,  if  it's  all 
the  same  to  you,  I'd  like  to  be  a  pirate,  mam. 

SUSAN.  Certainly.  A  pirate's  life  is  a  very  man- 
nish occupation. 

KATE.  Wouldn't  it  be  lovely  to  be  a  pirate!  It 
is  much  more  interesting  than  being  a  doctor. 

PAULINE.  Yes,  Miss  Kate.  And  there's  no  scrub- 
bin'  on  a  pirate  craft.  The  wash  of  the  sea  is  merely 
a  poetical  term.  And  if  the  men  is  drove  off  the 

i 


THE  REVOLT  21 

land,  they'll  take  to  ships,  do  you  see,  and  there'll 
be  plenty  of  work  for  a  respectable,  blood-thirsty 
lady  pirate  to  do,  catchin'  'em  and  extinguishing 
'em. 

GRACE.  Oh,  girls,  wouldn't  it  be  lovely  to  be 
pirates  ? 

SUSAN.  Then  be  pirates!  The  Militant  Suffra- 
gettes need  a  navy  as  well  as  an  army.  Every  revo- 
lution needs  its  privateers. 

KATE.  No  more  sewing!  (gathers  up  sewing  and 
throws  it  down) 

PAULINE.  No  more  scrubbin'.  (throws  away  mop 
and  brush) 

GRACE.  No  more  rag  bags!  (takes  rag  bag  from 
chair,  and  is  about  to  throw  it,  when  red  rags  fall 
out) 

PAULINE.  Hold  on,  Miss  Grace !  Pirates  is  mostly 
dressed  out  of  rag  bags,  (winds  red  rag  around 
GRACE'S  head,  and  a  red  rag  as  sash.  All  do  like- 
wise) Wait  till  I  get  the  swords,  (exit  PAULINE) 

KATE,  (front,  with  clenched  fists)  00 — I  feel 
blood-thirsty ! 

SUSAN.     And  you  look  extremely  blood-thirsty. 

GRACE.     00 — I  feel  ferocious! 

SUSAN.    And  you  look  too  ferocious  for  anything. 

EDITH.     00 — I  feel  wicked! 

SUSAN.   You  are  certainly  a  fear-compelling  sight. 

IDA.     00 — I  feel  murderous! 

SUSAN.    You  look  like  a  most  criminal  character. 

MAY.    00 — I  feel  dangerous! 

SUSAN.     You  look  extremely  dangerous. 

PAULINE,  (entering  with  table  knives,  etc.)  00- 
—I  feel  like  if  I  seen  a  cake  of  soap  I  could  kick 
it!  (she  distributes  knives) 

SUSAN.  Eeserve  your  wrath  for  the  men.  (draw- 
ing  them  all  to  her)  Hist!  To-night — at  dead  of 


22  THE  REVOLT 

night — we  will  capture — a  lumber  schooner — at 
Copp's  lumber  yard — 

ALL.     Aye  !  Aye !  Mam ! 

SUSAN.  .  To-night  —  at  dead  of  night  —  meet  me 
— at  the  corner  of — Main  and  Broadway ! 

ALL.     Aye  !  Aye !  Mam  ! 

SUSAN.  To-night  —  at  dead  of  night  —  we  will 
strangle  the  watchmen — 

KATE.  At  dead  of  night?  I  don't  think  we 
ought  to  strangle  watchmen  at  dead  of  night  unless 
we  have  a  chaperone,  do  you  girls? 

SUSAN.  Nonsense !  What  kind  of  Suffragettes 
are  you  to  need  a  chaperone?  I  don't  have  a  chap- 
erone. 

GRACE.  Well,  I  don't  care!  I'm  not  going  out 
strangling  at  night  without  a  chaperone !  It  isn't 
proper. 

SUSAN.    But  you  are  a  pirate. 

EDITH.  I  don't  care  if  we  are  pirates.  We  don't 
have  to  be  improper  pirates.  I  want  to  strangle  and 
murder  in  a  perfectly  proper  manner. 

PAULINE.  How  about  takin'  the  old  lady  with 
you? 

KATE.  Grandma  Gregg?  Why,  she's  no  Suffra- 
gette. Oh,  girls !  The  very  thing !  We  will  take 
Grandma  Gregg !  We'll  capture  her !  We'll  take 
her,  in  chains ! 

SUSAN.  Excellent !  You  will  have  your  chaperone, 
and  I  will  be  rid  of  the  most  dangerous  Anti-suffra- 
gette !  Seek  her  and  seize  her ! 

ALL.  We  go  !  We  go !  (exit  all,  left,  except  PAUL- 
INE) (enter  GRANDMA  GREGG,  right) 

GRANDMA.  I  thought  I  heard  a  noise,  Pauline. 
How  are  the  dear  girls  getting  on  with  their  les- 
sons? 

PAULINE,  (curtseys]  Fine,  mam.  They're  learn- 
ing new  tricks  every  day. 


THE  HEVOLT  23 

GRANDMA,  (picking  up  dunimy  and  laying  it 
over  chair  back)  Very  good.  But  I  wouldn't  wear 
a  bandeau  on  my  hair  if  I  were  you,  Pauline.  I 
don't  like  these  ribbons  bound  around  the  head  of 
young  girls.  They  make  them  look  like  pirates. 
(PAULINE  starts  uneasily) 

PAULINE.     Pirates,  mam?     What  a  notion! 

GRANDMA.    Pirates,  or  Italian  ditch  diggers. 

PAULINE,  (boldly)  Well,  mam,  let  it  be  pirates, 
then.  Pirate  is  what  I  am.  (hesitates)  Grandma 
Gregg,  you've  always  been  good  to  me,  barring  the 
scrubbing  and  mopping  and  blacking  shoes  and 
stoves.  If  I  was  you,  mam,  I'd  pack  some  clothes, 
so  as  to  be  ready  for  the  sea  voyage. 

GRANDMA.    Me?    A  sea  voyage? 

PAULINE.  Yes'm.  (curtseys}  This  Susan  Jane 
Jones  is  not  what  she  seems,  mam.  I  let  on,  mam,. 
I  was  of  her  way  of  thinking,  mam,  but  I  ain't. 
A  husband  is  good  enough  woman's  rights  for  me, 
mam.  A  nice,  quiet,  well-behaved  husband  like 
that  one  there  is  all  I  want. 

GRANDMA.    I  don't  understand  you. 

PAULINE.  Susan  Jane  Jones  is  a  Militant  Suf- 
fragette, mam. 

GRANDMA.  A  Militant  Suffragette  ?  In  this  acad- 
emy? 

PAULINE.  Yes,  mam.  (curtseys}  She's  here  like 
a  snake  in  the  grass,  mam,  and  her  and  the  young 
ladies  is  goin'  to  extinguish  all  the  men.  They're 
all  goin'  to  be  pirates,  mam,  and  most  bloody  minded 
pirates  they  be,  too.  And  you,  mam,  that  never  did 
them  any  harm,  they  are  going  to  capture  and  take 
along  with  them  in-chains.  For  a  chaperone,  mam. 

GRANDMA,  (hanging  her  head)  And  is  this  the 
reward  for  my  efforts  to  make  good  wives  of  them! 

(Enter  SUSAN  cautiously.  She  beckons  to  the.  girls.) 


24  THE  REVOLT 

SUSAN.    This  way!   She's  here! 

(The  girls  creep  in,  knives  in  their  teeth,  swagger- 
ing like  story-book  pirates.  SUSAN  folds  her 
arms.) 

SUSAN.    Woman!   Your  hour  has  come! 

GRANDMA.    Well,  I  do  declare! 

SUSAN.  These  poor  maidens  you  thought  to  cor- 
rupt into  housework  ways,  I  have  won  from  you. 
Here,  to-day,  the  revolution  that  will  sweep  the  men 
from  the  land  and  sea,  begins !  We  are  resolved ! 

ALL.     (shouting)    We  are  resolved ! 

SUSAN.  In  these  hearts  burns  nothing  but  hatred 
and  detestation  of  man. 

ALL.    (shouting)    Hatred  and  detestation. 

KATE.  We  don't  want  to  have  anything  more  to 
do  with  men. 

GEACE.  We  are  absolutely  through  with  them. 
And  with  boys,  too. 

GRANDMA.    Now,  my  dears — 

SUSAN.  Enough !  Pirates,  do  your  duty !  Seize 
that  man!  (two  girls  seize  and  bind  the  dummy) 

SUSAN.  Ha!  Ha!  Now  seize  and  bind  and  gag 
that  woman,  (points  to  GRANDMA.  The  girls  rush 
at  GRANDMA,  who  skips  backward) 

SUSAN,  (front,  rubbing  her  hands  with  joy)  My 
pirates!  My  faithful  band  of  man-haters,  (to  audi- 
ence) You  men,  your  turn  is  next  I 

A  BOY'S  VOICE,    (off  stage)    OO-oo! 

(KATE,  who  is  about  to  bind  GRANDMA,  stops  and 
listens.) 


KATE.    That's  John! 
SECOND  BOY'S  VOICE,    (off  stage)    Oo-oo!  Oo-oo! 
GRACE,    (listening)     That's — that's  Arthur! 
SEVERAL  BOYS'  VOICES.    Oo-oo!    Oo-oo!    Oo-oo  I 


THE  REVOLT  25 

EDITH,  IDA  and  MAY.  That's  Sam!  That's 
George!  Thafs  Henry!  (all  crowd  to  door  and 
look  out) 

KATE,  (eagerly)  Oh,  girls!  It's  the  hoys,  they 
want  us  to  come  out!  Where's  my  hat? 

(All  rush  in  a  crowd  to  sofa  and  begin  digging 
wildly  into  wraps  and  hats,  putting  them  on  as 
hastily  as  possible.) 

SUSAN.  Girls!  Pirates!  Stop!  The  revolution! 
Eemember  your  cause ! 

KATE,  (pinning  on  her  hat)  Revolution!  I 
haven't  time  for  revolutions,  don't  you  hear  the 
boys  calling  us? 

SUSAN.    Stop !  Are  you  not  women  ? 

GRACE,  (as  all  come  forward)  Women?  Pirates? 
Why  no,  we  are  just  the  I.  I.  Club.  Just  girls. 
Just  sweet  girls ! 

VOICES,    (off  stage)    Oo-oo! 

GIRLS.     Oo-oo!    Oo-oo!    Oo-oo!   (they  rush  out) 

(  SUSAN  slowly  picks  up  umbrella  and  hand  bag, 
and  moves  to  door.  GRANDMA  takes  up  her 
knitting.  PAULINE  picks  up  her  mop,  and 
looks  lovingly  at  dummy.) 

PAULINE.     I'm  ashamed  of  you,  sir.    Why  didn't 

?ou  oo-oo  at  me  when  all  them  boys  was  oo-ooing? 
f  you  had  oo-ooed  at  me  I  would  have  oo-ooed  back. 
GRANDMA,    (with  interest)    Did  he  speak  to  you, 
Pauline? 

PAULINE.  No,  mam.  He's  an  Ideal  Husband, 
and  Ideal  Husbands  don't  talk  back,  main. 

(CURTAIN) 


JUST  PUBLISHED 

Nothing  But  the  Truth 

A  Farcical  Comedy  in  Three  Acts 

By 

James  Montgomery 
Cast  of  Characters 


Bob  Bennett 

B.  M.  Ralston 

Clarence  Van  Dusen 

Bishop  Doran 

Dick  Donnelly 

Gwen 

Mrs.  Ralston 

Ethel 

Mable 

Sable 

Martha 


SCENES 


ACT  1.     A  Broker's  Office 

ACT  2.     Parlor  of  a  Country  Home 

ACT  3. 

TIME:     The  Present 

"Nothing-  But  the  Truth"  is  built  upon  the  simple  idea 
of  its  hero  speaking  nothing-  but  the  absolute  truth  for  a 
stated  period.  He  bets  a  friend  ten  thousand  dollars 
that  he  can  do  it,  and  boldly  tackles  truth  to  win  the 
money.  For  a  very  short  time  the  task  is  placidly  easy, 
but  Truth  routs  out  old  man  Trouble  and  then  things  be- 
gin to  happen.  Trouble  doesn't  seem  very  large^  and 
aggressive  when  he  first  pokes  his  nose  into  the  noble 
resolve  of  our  hero,  but  he  grows  rapidly  and  soon  we 
see  our  dealer  in  truth  disrupting  the  domestic  relations 
of  his  partner.  In  fact,  Trouble  works  overtime,*  and 
reputations  that  have  been  unblemished  are  smirched. 
Situations  that  are  absurd  and  complications  almost 
knotted,  pile  up,  all  credited  to  Truth,  and  the  result  of 
the  wager  to  foster  and  cherish  that  great  virtue  from 
the  lips  of  the  man  who  has  espoused  the  cause  of  truth 
to  win  a  wager. 

It  is  a  novel  idea  and  so  well  has  it  been  worked  out 
that  an  audience  is  kept  in  throes  of  laughter  at  the 
seemingly  impossible  task  to  "untangle  snarls  into  which 
our  hero  has  involved  all  those  he  comes  into  contact 
with.  It  is  a  clean  bright  farce  of  well  drawn  characters 
and  was  built  for  laughing  .purposes  only. 

William  Collier  played  "Nothing  But  the  Truth"  for  a, 
year  at  the  Longacre  Theatre,  New  York,  and  it  has  been 
on  tour  for  over  two  seasons. 

After   three   years   continuous   success   on   the   profess- 
ional stage  we  are  now  offering  "Nothing  But  the  Truth 
for  amateur  production.     It   is   one   of   the   funniest   ana 
brightest  farces  ever  written,  and  it  is  admirably  suited 
to  amateur  production, 

PRICE  60  CENTS 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


AN  INITIAL  PINE  OF  25  CENTS 

WILL  BE  ASSESSED  FOR  FAILURE  TO  RETURN 
THIS  BOOK  ON  THE  DATE  DUE.  THE  PENALTY 
WILL  INCREASE  TO  SO  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 
DAY  AND  TO  $1.OO  ON  THE  SEVENTH  DAY 
OVERDUE. 


SEP  19  1934 


LD  21-100m-7,'33 


Photomount 
Pamphlet 

Binder 
Gaylord  Bros. 

Makers 
Syracuse,  N.  Y. 

W.  JAN  21, 1908 


825736 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  UBRARY 


